Choices
by NevynR
Summary: Following a PTSD episode, Kate has a choice to make.  Heavy angst, character death, adult situations . Spoilers for Rise, Cops & Robbers and Kill Shot. Chapter 3 up, COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Choices**

**Summary: Following a PTSD episode, Kate has a choice to make.**

**Rating: M - _Heavy _angst, character death, adult situation(s).**

**Disclaimer: The usual. Sadly. Also, there are spoilers contained herein for Rise, Cops & Robbers and Kill Shot, at the very least.  
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**Author's Note: Okay, so first off: my sincerest apologies to all of you who are still following both Layers and/or Demons' Run. I've been swamped in my personal life, and haven't had the energy to tackle the latest chapters of either of those. I will be updating them both soon, I promise. Writing this one has helped me deal with a few things that I needed to work through. Originally intended as a one-shot, this one just got too big and unwieldy and has been split into 2 chapters (or maybe 3, depending on how much Beckett rambles on). My heartfelt thanks go to my beta and muse, Manuxinhace, for going over this one for me, even though I know she's not a fan of heavy angst. Apparently,t he fluff in the following chapters is worth it... :-P Anyhoo, your thought are, as always, much appreciated.**

**Cheers,**

**NevynR**

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><p>Beckett closed the door to her apartment behind her quickly, locking it immediately. Dropping her bag carelessly to the floor, she headed straight to the windows, her eyes darting across the rooftops outlined against the cloudy night sky. Keeping her silhouette out of view, she twitched the curtains closed. Her breath coming faster, she did a quick circuit of the rest of the apartment, checking the windows were locked, the curtains drawn.<p>

Anxiously, she went back to the front door again, checking the locks were in place, one hand resting on her service pistol. A frown crossed her face as a thought occurred to her. Reaching out, she flicked the light switch, plunging the entry into darkness. Pulling out her cell phone with one hand, she unlocked it, and used it's light to navigate by as she meticulously turned off every light.

The darkness providing some measure of comfort, she found herself in the kitchen, back pressed hard against the cool surface of her cupboard doors, her knees drawn up in front of her as she sat of the floor, pistol clenched in one hand so tight her knuckles were starting to ache. Long minutes passed, and the only sound she could hear was the harsh noise of her own breathing, loud in her ears. Her heart thudding painfully, she let the phone slip from her fingers, clattering against the tiles as her fingers reached up to brush the scar between her breasts. Tentatively grazing the raised flesh, her fingers traced upwards, feeling the fluttering of her pulse, the act of noticing it causing her throat to tighten.

Drawing a shaky breath, she tried to calm herself, closing her eyes for a second. It shouldn't have mattered, in the pitch blackness, but somehow the instant her eyelids slid closed she was assaulted by memories of earlier that day. The way her heart had leaped as the squad car next to her flicked it's siren on, the sudden loss of control as her legs refused to hold her upright when the door slammed closed, the overwhelming cacophony of noises, the press of people at the precinct, everything rushed back with startling clarity. Squeezing her eyes tightly closed, Becket tried to force the images, the feelings from her mind. For a moment, she thought she would be able to tough it out, to regain control as the sensations dimmed, but her hope was short-lived.

A shocked gasp tore from her throat as her chest constricted, the memory of the bullet ripping through her catching her off-guard. Fingers still tracing the scar, she could almost feel the warm, slippery blood between her fingers, that creeping coldness teasing at the edges of her vision once more. In her mind, the crisp, perfect blue of the sky was again replaced by the equally perfect blue eyes of her partner, filled with concern as he begged her to stay.

Now, as on that horrible day, it was his words which pulled her back form the abyss.

_I love you, Kate._

Knowing how he felt had brought the faintest of smiles to her lips, even as she lay dying. Not being able to tell him how she felt kept her heart beating, even when it should have stopped, gave it the courage to beat again when she flatlined. Betrayed by her walls when it counted, she had stupidly held her tongue when he came to see her once she woke. Now, her heart thundering so hard she thought it might break a rib, her breath coming in short pants and starting to feel the effects of hyperventialtion, Kate gave in. The fear that gripped her as the sniper kept killing merged seamlessly with her own fears of the shooting, intensified beyond anything she thought she knew, she felt her walls start to give, even as she let go of coherent thought. Operating on auto-pilot, her left hand searched blindly across the cool tiles for her dropped phone.

Fingers grasping it, her eyes still shut tight, Beckett unlocked it, not needing to look to know what she was doing. On instinct, she hit speed dial #2, the phone pressed hard against her ear.

Barely three rings later, she let out a terrified breath as she heard the call get answered.

"Beckett?" The sound of his voice loosened the knot in her chest slightly, a small noise slipping out a she clenched her teeth, trying to pull herself together. "Kate? Are you okay?" The alarm clear in his tone, Beckett knew he was only seconds from dropping everything and coming over as fast as he could. Barely audible, she replied, her voice scratchy.

"I need you..." Echoing his request from the bank incident, Kate did the only thing that made any sense to her. Everything was better when Castle was around. He'd promised he would be there for her, and she needed him now. She was adrift in a sea of bad memories, and the only thing that she knew of that could anchor her was Castle, her rock, her friend, her partner. She could hear the sounds of him moving around the loft for a moment, before the distinctive jangle of keys let her know that he was on his way.

"Beckett? Where are you?" The slight puffing over the phone told her that Castle was jogging, already on his way to the elevator. Breathing past the terror gripping her throat, she managed to reply.

"Home." Her response was cut off as a car backfired in the street, the echo slamming into her like a kick to the chest. Dropping the phone, she surged to her feet and ran for the bedroom in a blind panic. Her sense of space disturbed by the flood of memories racing through her mind, she misjudged the location of the doorway, her hip slamming into the frame. Barely noting the searing pain, she stumbled, her foot catching on the edge of the rug. Spinning as she fell, Beckett didn't even have time to brace herself as the back of her head hit the table, and everything went black.

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><p>Puffing, Castle knocked on the door to Beckett's apartment. Holding his breath for several seconds, he waited for a response. Silence was all he heard form inside. Dialling her phone for the tenth time since her call was cut off, he listened. The sounds of the phone ringing could be heard inside, but nothing from the detective.<p>

His worry spiking even higher, Castle fished his keys out of his pocket, slipping the spare that Kate had given him into the lock and turning it. A sigh of relief slipped out as he recalled her handing it to him the day they had all helped her move in. Ryan and Esposito had stayed for the beer and pizza with which Beckett had nominally bribed them, and Castle had covered the cost of the supplies. Both gone almost an hour, the two of them had just flopped on the couch and quietly finished their drinks, and another bottle each. Checking the time, the author had made his apologies and was heading to the door, when her hand on his shoulder brought him to a halt. Turning, he'd looked at her quizzically. Glancing towards her hands, a soft smile formed as she handed him a single silver key.

"In case something happens, Castle, so you don't have to kick the door down again."

Silently thanking whomever might be listening for her forethought, he stepped inside. Stopping abruptly in the darkness, he reached out in the faint illumination from the hall light. Flicking the switch, he cast his eyes rapidly around the room.

Not seeing signs of a struggle, he headed for the kitchen, calling out for her as he went. He paused when he saw the phone, lying face down in the middle of the kitchen floor. Frowning, he glanced around, seeing no blood or any indication why it would be there, carelessly dropped.

Still moving, he glimpsed her lower leg on the bedroom floor. His gut churning, he almost ran down the hall, skidding to a halt as soon as he made it through the door.

"Oh, god, Kate!" He exclaimed, seeing the spreading pool of blood forming behind her head, staining the rug. Kneeling beside her, he gently took her pulse with one hand, the other feeling the back of her skull for breaks. Nothing but a large lump and still-warm blood met his fingers. Her pulse rapid and strong, he breathed a small sigh of relief, even as he dialled 911 with the hand not covered in blood.

_Not__ again..._ He thought, his own mind snapping back to the last time he had felt his fingers coated with her blood. _Please,__ wake __up..._

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><p>Castle sat in one of the plastic chairs in the waiting room, his head in his hands. Only moments later, he was pulled from his torment by the unmistakable sounds of Esposito's arrival.<p>

"Bro! What's going on? Is Beckett okay?" Letting out a tired sigh, Castle replied, shaking his head.

"They are checking her out still."

"What happened?" Lanie demanded. Castle jerked, startled to see the ME arrive with the detective. Running his hand through his hair, the author gave them the brief summary, starting with the phone call, and ending with the ambulance ride.

Before any more questions could be asked, his phone rang again. Glancing at the caller ID, he winced, standing up and walking away form the others before he hit the answer button.

"Hey..." He paused. "No, they are still checking her out. How far away are you?" Nodding, even though he knew the caller couldn't see him, he went on. "See you soon."

He slipped his phone back into his jacket pocket and walked back to where Esposito stood. His expression a little more relaxed, he spoke.

"That was Jim, he'll be here in five."

"You called him already?" Lanie asked, her expression clearly saying she felt for Kate's father, having to wait in the hospital again for news on his daughter.

"Yeah," He replied. "I called him as soon as we got here. I didn't want to call him while we were still en route... It was bad enough I was calling him to let him know that Kate was hurt again. He didn't need the sound of the sirens on top of that." Rick drew a shaky breath and let it out slowly. Sinking back into the chair, he tried to force himself to relax. Despite the situation, he couldn't help the small twitching of his lips as he noted that Esposito's hand was firmly clasped in Lanie's, her head resting on his shoulder as they sat in silence, waiting for news.

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><p>The minutes passed in near silence, the ticking of the clock irritating in it's casual marking of the passage of time. The sound of rapid footsteps on the hard floor attracting his attention, Rick looked down the hall and saw Jim almost jogging towards them. Standing, he moved forward.<p>

Extending his hand, Jim squeezed briefly, his face anxious. His free hand gripped Castle's shoulder.

"Thanks, Rick. If you hadn't found her..." He trailed off, noting the expressions of the group, continuing. "Still nothing?" Before Castle had a chance to answer, the doors swung open, and a doctor walked though.

"Family of Kate Beckett?" He asked. Jim turned and nodded. "She's stable. She hit her head pretty hard, and lost a lot of blood. She's stable now, but..." He paused, looking at the group. His gaze fixed on Jim, he went on. "She hasn't regained consciousness. Nothing is showing up on the MRI, so we are just keeping her comfortable for the moment. She should wake up by herself soon."

They all relaxed at the news Beckett would live. Jim let out a sigh of relief, asking,

"When can we see her?"

"Right away." The doctor replied. "No more than two at a time though."

Needing no discussion, Esposito nodded at Castle and sat back down next to Lanie. As much as they wanted to go in, Castle and Jim had first dibs. Following the doctor, Castle held the door open for Jim, letting it swing closed behind them.

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><p>Jim reached out, brushing the hair from his daughter's forehead before placing a gentle kiss against her pallid skin. His voice broken, he spoke softly to her.<p>

"Oh Katie... You had us all so worried again." He smoothed her hair tenderly, tears running down his cheeks. A small sound behind him caught his attention, only to find that Castle had moved a chair into place for him to rest on. A silent nod of acknowledgement was all it took, and the author walked quietly around to the other side of the bed, taking his partner's hand in his own. Hooking his foot behind the leg of another chair, he slid it towards himself and sat, mirroring Jim's position.

Unable to form words capable of expressing how he was feeling, Castle contented himself with holding her hand, his thumb tracing absent circles on the back of it as he watched the pulse flicker on the side of her neck, the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest reassuring him that she was still alive. Now, all they had to do was wait...

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><p>Beckett opened her eyes slowly, the absence of her panic attack confusing her. The last thing she remembered was being on the phone to Castle, and freaking out and then... this. Looking around her, she saw that she stood on a barren plain, stretching emptily as far as the eye could see. Shifting her feet, she wondered why her heels didn't seem to sink into the dark grey, almost silvery sand beneath her feet.<p>

There was an absence of air movement, and no traces of noise. Unable to even hear her own heartbeat, Beckett grappled with what her senses were telling her. There was no scent, it wasn't cold or hot, dry or muggy, it just... was. _She _just... was.

Spinning around in place, she almost fell over when she saw two full-length, free-standing mirrors behind her. They weren't there seconds before, she was sure of it. Reaching out, she ran her fingertips over the dark mahogany of the frame, half expecting her hand to pass right through.

She heard a whisper, and spun around once more. Unable to pinpoint the source of the noise, she froze when it came again. Not sure if the whispering was in her mind or not, she listened as best she could.

The sounds growing in strength, she was soon able to make out words, the same words, repeated over and over:

"You have a choice, Katherine Beckett. Nothing is fixed, but choose you must." The moment she clearly heard the words, they ceased, leaving nothing but fading echoes in her mind. Confused, she turned back to face the only things she could see: the mirrors.

Frowning, she stepped closer to them, waving one hand up and down in front of them. The reflections did not move at all, frozen in place. Looking closer, she realised they weren't exactly reflections, more like images of herself, frozen behind the glass. In each, there were minute differences: one wore her hair up, the other down, one had heels on, the other wore flats, little things, but taken together showed two totally different versions of herself.

Reaching out, she touched the glass of the mirror on the left. The moment her fingers brushed the cool surface of the glass, they stuck. Unable to tug herself free, Beckett gripped the frame of the mirror itself and pushed, hoping to knock the stand over.

As soon as her other hand touched the frame, the image rippled, the glass billowing outwards like a curtain in the breeze. Flowing over her fingers like quicksilver, the silvery glass rapidly covered her, slipping under her clothes and closing over her face. Blinded, she dimly realised that the coolness of the glass molding itself to her skin was the first sensation she had felt since waking up on the plain. Unable to hold her breath any longer, she let out the air in her lungs, and in that instant everything changed.

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><p>Gasping, she sat upright, her hands flying to her face, feeling, searching. Finding her skin untouched by the strange glass, she let out a sigh of relief. Her reprieve lasting only a moment, she continued to explore her face, finding it... different. Glancing around the room, she found herself in the lounge room of her apartment. There too, things were not what she expected. She had more books, and less artwork on her walls. Unusually tidy, the room felt... stale, almost as if she hadn't been there in some time, but the dishes in the sink belied that assumption. Catching sight of her own reflection, she gasped.<p>

Her hair was cut short again, as short as it had been when she first met Castle. The dark circles under her eyes spoke of sleepless nights, and too many hours at the precinct, the traces of grey hair at her temples and the lines on her face testified to the years which had passed.

The thoughts of the precinct and her partner sent her mind spinning, filling her with memories, sensations, experiences of the years that had passed.

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><p>Once again, she sat at the swings and spoke to her partner, explaining about her walls, and how she wasn't able to be in the kind of relationship she wanted until her mother's murder was put behind her. Not simply watching the events unfold, she was <em>there<em>, speaking to him, her palms sweaty as her fingers fidgeted, hoping, praying that he would understand. The feeling of relief that swept through her as he responded to her felt as sweet as it had the first time.

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><p>She felt the passage of time, and months of experience were dumped into her memory: the frantic search for answers, the almost manic drive to catch the bastard that killed her mother and tried to do the same to her. She could replay every moment of those horrible months, able to see from her semi- detached perspective just how far down the rabbit hole she was falling.<p>

Castle was there, holding her back. No, she realised, he was just trying to get her to take it slower, to stop her headlong rush towards a final confrontation. She could see her increasing irritation with him, could _feel_ the tension rising between them as their careful dance slowly morphed from light-hearted flirting and banter into something more, a twisted parody of their former relationship. He still brought her coffee every morning, but her responses to him became shorter, sharper. Every time she felt the flickers of affection for him within her, she buried them, forcing herself to keep those feeling hidden, at least until the wall was down.

_Then_, She felt herself think. _And__ only __then __can __I __even __think __about __it._

To her increasing frustration, the wall remained firmly in place, and she threw herself into the case harder and harder. She stopped listening to Castle when he told her to go home and rest, stopped eating, even when he brought takeout to her desk and placed it in front of her, and finally, she stopped answering the phone when he called.

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><p>Time passed, and still she fell further into the hole. Ryan and Esposito withdrew from her as did Lanie. No, she remembered, she'd driven them away, because they all wanted her to stop, to look at what it was doing to her. Didn't they <em>know<em> how much it meant to her?

More time passed, and it seemed as though all she did was work cases during the day, and her mothers case, her case, when darkness fell.

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><p>Months passed, and she had to go to the doctor for sleeping tablets, to block out the nightmares. Drug-induced blackness was better than the nights full of endless horrors that paraded around in her mind whenever she closed her eyes, at least that was what she told herself.<p>

Not long after that, she went back to the doctor for anti-depressants after she lost her temper in the interrogation room, and broke a suspect's nose. Three weeks forced leave later, she returned to the precinct calmer, more relaxed. At least on the outside, that was. Inside, she needed the anti-depressants to face the day, and the sleeping tablets to face the night.

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><p>That was her routine for the next few years, she realised, startled at just how much time passed as she still threw herself into the case with everything she had. Never carrying much spare weight, she realised one night just how gaunt she had become as she stood in front of the mirror in her bathroom, drying herself off. Able to see every rib clearly, she noted in an absent way that the bones of her hips were more prominent too. Making a mental note to try to eat more often, she honestly meant to, but then she found another lead in the case, and her newfound resolve was quickly forgotten.<p>

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><p>Three weeks later, when the lead turned out to be nothing more than a red herring, she stopped by a bottle shop on the way to her apartment from the precinct. Hours later, she lay on the couch, comfortably numb for the first time that she could remember.<p>

Waking up still on the couch, her cheek stuck to the leather by her sweat from the night before was less horrific than she'd thought it would be, and the headache seemed to fade with alarming rapidity when she washed her morning pills down with two stiff cups of instant coffee. Barely even shuddering at the taste, she remembered the last time she'd had real coffee: the day Castle had stopped coming to the precinct. His final words to her as he looked at her, tears in his eyes were

"Beckett, when I said always, I meant it, but you need to meet me halfway. You're losing it, losing yourself to it. _Please_, put it down, even for a week, just get out and live life a little... I'll be here for you, just call me when you are ready to try, please..."

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><p>That had been two months ago, and true to his word, he'd waited. Not one call, not even a text message, and she couldn't bring herself to care. She was so close, what if the next lead was just around the corner? How could she solve the case if she was taking time off...? Didn't he realise that the only way they could be together was if she solved her mother's murder first?<p>

She blinked back the stinging of tears in her eyes as she recalled with startling clarity now just how many nights after that she'd come home to her empty apartment and drank her dinner, the sleeping pills being chased by more booze. Steadily, stealthily, she saw that she was drinking more. One bottle used to last her a week, soon it became two a week, and after a year, it had become one a night.

The memories finally stopped unwinding through her, and she looked down, tears falling freely. Gasping, she saw the broken glass scattered across the floor, glittering shards hiding amongst the empty bottles that littered her floor.

The pain in her wrists drew her attention next, followed by the spreading pool of blood beneath her. Shaking, she raised her hands, inspecting the wounds. The wrong placement and shape for accidentally tripping and landing on the sharp edges, the only way they could have been made was... Her thoughts were interrupted as she noticed the blood welling from shallower cuts on her fingers as well.

A fresh series of sobs broke out as she felt the wave of despair washing through her again, the emptiness of her loft, her life, her heart, all echoing inside like the tolling of some monstrous bell. She remembered taking the largest piece of glass in her fingers, the edges biting into her soft skin, blood seeping around it already as she placed the edge against her wrist and dragged. Through the whiskey and sleeping tablets, she realised that it didn't hurt as much as she'd thought after all. Before the glass grew too slippery to hold, she had transferred it to the other hand and repeated the actions on the other wrist, the dull throb as she bled was somehow comforting.

Wiping her bloody fingers on her pants, she reached for her phone with trembling hands. A steady patter of blood hitting the floor boards, the impact sent tiny spatters out. Unlocking the phone, she dialled Castle's number without hesitation, despite the fact that it had been ages since she'd rung him, or even spoken to him. Ignoring the bloody fingerprints on the screen, she hit the call connect button and raised it.

Holding it to her ear, she felt the warm stickiness of the blood flowing from her wrist soaking the neck of her shirt, but she was beyond caring any more. He answered on the third ring, catching her by surprise. Somehow, she'd thought he would ignore the call, after all, wasn't that what she'd been doing since the shooting, ignoring him?

"Kate?" He asked, confusion and worry evident in his voice. The sound of him, even over the phone after so long broke something inside her, and all she could do was sob. "Kate? Are you at your apartment? What's wrong?"

Swallowing her tears, she managed to reply.

"Castle, I'm so sorry..."

"Hold on, Beckett, I'll be there as soon as I can..." Worry blossoming in his tone, he knew something bad had happened. If he was worried before, her next words slammed into him like a punch to the gut.

"I failed her... and I'm sorry for hurting you, Rick. I just... wanted you to know I love you before..." She fell silent, and all his begging couldn't rouse a word from her after that.

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><p>Less than ten minutes later, she lay on the polished floor, phone still active next to her ear, covered by the fan of her hair. The door slamming open as he kicked it in, Castle barely paused as he saw her. Rushing to her side, he cradled her head in his lap, fingers brushing the hair from her forehead as he frantically felt for a pulse with his free hand. Slow and faint, it was there, just.<p>

The moving of her head pulling her back into consciousness, she opened her eyes and saw him above her, and the memory of the last time they had been in this position merged with the current reality. Always, he had said, and again he proved it. Here he was, her gentle, caring angel, come to bear her away at the end. Tears falling from her in a steady rain, she felt a bittersweet smile cross her features as she gazed up at him, the words she'd fought so long to hide from herself easing their way past her traitorous lips once more.

"Rick... I love you Rick..."

"Kate, stay with me, the ambulance is on it's way..."

"Please, forgive me, Rick, for hurting you, for wasting so much time..."

"Just stay with me Kate, please. I love you Kate, I never stopped. I can't lose you again." Her eyes slid closed and the heartbeat beneath his fingers slowed as she let out a soft sigh, her words faint.

"Love you... sorry..." Her lips stilled, and from inside the prison of her mind, Beckett felt the wall around her heart rise up above her, impossibly high. Awestruck, she could see every brick in it, and remembered as she placed every single one. The labour of her life had been this wall, built to protect her heart from harm, and here it stood, massive and monstrous. Cutting off the light, it towered over her and trembled for an instant, before crashing down, the wave of blackness sweeping over her, taking her down with it even as she heard the heartbroken howl of the man beside her, the breaking of his own heart as audible to her as the crashing of the bricks from her damned wall.

Blackness swallowed her, final and absolute.

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><p>Terrified and gasping, Beckett's eyes slammed open, searching, wondering. She'd felt her life slip away, the chill of the grave sucking her down.<p>

_Why __am __I__ still __here?_ She thought, startled to even be thinking at all.

Finally registering what she saw, she staggered, her legs giving way beneath her. The silvery sand beneath her was harder than it looked, and she paused as she went to rub her thighs absently. Looking down at her wrists, she was surprised to see them whole, the skin unbroken. Everything had seemed so real to her before, but now she could feel the weight of the memories in her head, but removed. They were there, but somehow not hers, not entirely.

Turning her eyes to the mirror she had touched, she saw that it was shattered, shards of glass still clinging to the edges of the ruined frame. Glancing at the ground underneath, she was only a little surprised when she failed to find any broken glass on the strange sand.

"Choose..." The voice from before sounded in her mind again, echoing around inside her, growing in volume until she was sure her teeth were vibrating with the feeling.

Drawing a shaky breath, she faced the second mirror, her heart hammering as she braced herself for the experiences she knew she was about to live through.

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><p>AN: Chapter 2 will be a lot less angsty, I promise! :-) remember folks, feedback = love!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Okay folks, sorry for the delay on this one. the silly season struck, and it's been hell finding the time to stop long enough to eat, let alone write. That being said, I'm very happy with how this chapter worked out :-)

Thanks once again to the awesome Manuxinhace, beta and Muse extraordinaire, for proofing and being there to bounce ideas off, and crack the whip when needed.

Spoiler alerts for... Rise, Cops & Robbers, and some others probably.

Fair warning, dear readers: last chapter was angsty and dark, this one had adult themes. Very adult themes. If you dont like smut, then it's probably a good idea to skip thos bits when you get the them. If, however, you are into such things, read on, but have a cold shower or ice-water on stand-by. Apparently, those scenes are a little... steamy.

Reviews = love, folks!

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><p>Previously, in Choices:<p>

_Turning her eyes to the mirror she had touched, she saw that it was shattered, shards of glass still clinging to the edges of the ruined frame. Glancing at the ground underneath, she was only a little surprised when she failed to find any broken glass on the strange sand._

_"Choose..." The voice from before sounded in her mind again, echoing around inside her, growing in volume until she was sure her teeth were vibrating with the feeling._

_Drawing a shaky breath, she faced the second mirror, her heart hammering as she braced herself for the experiences she knew she was about to live through._

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><p>The smell of antiseptic filled her nose as she breathed in. If that wasn't clue enough, the rhythmic beeping of the machines, and the hushed sounds of people trying not to make much noise were a dead giveaway: she was in hospital again. Drawing a deep breath, she winced in pain as her body let her know just why she was there. Her head aching, she felt it swirl with memories, the sounds of people talking quietly prompting the movie reel of emotions and feelings to begin again.<p>

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><p>For the third time in her life, Kate sat on the swings, next to Castle and explained why she can't be in a relationship 'right now'. It was... heartbreaking the first time, trying to explain it to him, knowing that he was angry with her, knowing that he had every right to be and yet still hoping that he would understand, that he would wait for her, still be there when the wall came down.<p>

The second time, she'd found it a little easier, after all, she'd already lived through it once.

The third time was the hardest by far. This time around, she _knew_ the consequences of her actions, she'd lived through the agony and the emptiness, and the ending, dying in his arms once more yet so alone, all because of her damned walls.

She felt her lips move, the air leaving her lungs as she tried to make him understand, and again, she felt that swelling in her chest as he understood her meaning. He always had understood her better than anybody else ever had, better than she knew herself at times.

Something felt.. different this time though. Instead of mentally running her fingers along the walls of her heart, checking to make sure they were still solid, impenetrable, she eased her fingernails into the cracks, picking out the moss that grew there, testing, probing, and finally looking up at the top, wondering how high they were, and for the first time that she could recall, she wondered what the view was like from the top.

The sense of freedom, of fresh air that she got from just thinking about peeking over her walls was enough for her, for the moment and it must have showed on her face, because Castle picked up on it. Maybe it was the sparkle in her eyes, maybe it was the faintest of Mona Lisa smiles, teasing her lips, but somehow he knew, he just _knew_ that the wall would come down someday.

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><p>Her heart hammering within her chest, she leaned forward, a smile breaking out and covering her face with unrestrained joy as she straightened the collar of his jacket, the dust still hanging in the air from the explosion. Their eyes locked, filling the air with words, feelings, emotions unspoken, until Martha cut them off.<p>

"He's not the only one here, you know." Holding her hands up, the diva shot them a knowing smile.

Later, after dinner and more wine than she probably should have had, Kate found herself on the couch with her partner, her eyes running over his face, as if trying to imprint his features into her memory forever. She'd come so close to losing him today, she honestly thought her heart had stopped when the explosion shook the van. Finding him alive and unharmed, her heart beat again, the iron bands of dread falling off as she reached out and touched him, needing that physical contact to make sure she wasn't just dreaming it.

Placing her empty glass on the coffee table, she reached over to him and took his hands in her own, squeezing them briefly.

"Castle, I..." She paused, still stuck for words. Knowing he'd read the subtext anyway, she spoke her mind. "I'm so glad you are okay. I don't know what I'd have done if I lost you..."

"I hope you never have to find out, Kate. I plan on sticking around for a good long time yet." He smiled at her softly, the words he'd said all those months before tingling on his tongue. _No _he decided, _it will happen when it is time_.

Topping their glasses up, he handed hers back. Raising them, they clinked the crystal together, their quiet toast fitting the warm, comfortable atmosphere of the loft perfectly.

"Partners, always."

* * *

><p>Glancing across her desk at her partner, Beckett fought to keep the grin off her face. Castle was sitting in his chair, notepad in front of him, pen scribbling away as he wrote rapidly. The small frown as he concentrated, the determined focus, yet light-hearted cast to his features told her he was writing more Nikki, and he was having a blast doing it. Unsure if it was her alter-ego chasing down a bad guy, or tossing of a snappy one-liner, or just bantering with Rook, Raley and Ochoa, she relaxed and just watched him work.<p>

_It's only fair_, she mused. _Why should he get all the fun watching me work all the time?_

His spidey senses tingling, he paused and looked up from his writing, a twinkle in his eyes.

"See? Not creepy." His teasing tone pulled a chuckle from her as she leaned back in her seat, one arm across her stomach, the other elbow resting on it as she cupped her chin in her hand, the same pose she used for studying the murder board, a wordless hum her only response.

Putting his pen down, Rick turned his full attention to her as he eased his back. Glancing at his hands for a moment, he looked up, meeting her eyes.

"I've been thinking..." He said, his tone studied, casual. Seeing her raise one eyebrow in response, he continued. "If you don't have any plans, would you like to grab dinner with me tomorrow night? There's a showing of the original Planet of the Apes on at the Angelica we could catch afterwards..." He left the invite out there, waiting with baited breath.

The question hung in the air for a moment before she threw caution to the winds. Reaching out, she logged off her computer, grabbed her bag and stood. Heading for the elevator, she called out over her shoulder as she went,

"Pick me up at seven..." A faint blush staining her cheeks, she couldn't keep the silly grin of her face, already nervous.

* * *

><p>A teasing smile on her lips, Kate leaned back against her door and looked up at her partner, batting her eyelashes.<p>

"Is this the part of the date where I invite you in for coffee, Rick?" Her heart in her throat, she waited for his response, pulse thrumming. Eyes darting from her own down to her lips and back, Castle inhaled deeply through his nose, the scent of cherries filling his senses an instant before he stepped closer to her, one hand resting lightly on her hip. The heat from his fingertips spreading through her rapidly, she gasped slightly at the contact, the thin black satin of her dress offering no impediment to the sensations flooding her skin. His thumb stroking small circles across her hip bone, he held her gaze, not answering. Her lips parting slightly, Kate could feel the pull between them intensify as they drifted unstoppably closer together. Their bodies separated by only a fraction, she could feel the heat of his body, achingly close. His lips almost brushing hers, she heard him whisper softly.

"I want to do this right, take our time… This I can do though…" He closed the last of the distance confidently, his lips ghosting across hers as if they had done it a thousand times before. Tasting the traces of red wine and desert and lipstick, he felt her sigh into his mouth. Her body melting into his, Kate's arms snaked around his neck as she deepened the kiss.

Her tongue lapped at his swollen lips, begging for entrance even as her fingers threaded through his hair, pinning him in place. A satisfied rumble slipping from him, Castle opened for her, their tongues duelling as their breaths mingled in the cool air of the hallway. Wanting, _needing_ more, he ran his hand up her back, fingers dancing across the bare skin of her spine, teasing, leaving a trail of heat in his wake, even as his other hand cupped her backside, pulling her close enough for her to feel the evidence of his arousal pressed between them.

Panting heavily, he broke the searing kiss off, his pupils black with desire. Feeling like a giddy teenager, Beckett drew a shaky breath, trying to unscramble her thoughts, no small task given the raging fires burning within her. Foreheads touching, still wrapped tightly in their embrace, they stood there, hearts thundering, reveling in the fact that they could do what they had both wanted for so long now.

The kiss in the alley had been intense, heat fueled by the adrenaline of the situation. This time, there was nothing to distract them, no reason they had to hide behind the heat of the moment, and the fireworks were still going off inside.

Running the back of his fingers across her cheek, Castle uncurled his fingers, brushing the shell of her ear as he leaned forward once more, trailing down her jaw until he reached the point of her chin. The barest hint of pressure from his fingers, and he touched their lips together again, feather-light for a moment before he stepped away, the edge of a smile teasing his lips as she let out a small noise of protest as she found herself bereft of his warmth.

"Until tomorrow, Detective…" With his enigmatic farewell, he left her there, one arm wrapped around her middle, her fingers tracing the ghost of his lips on her own, her face suffused with a dizzy happiness.

She remembered waking up the next morning, the smile still on her face, the faintest trace of his taste still in her mind, the memory of his kiss still tingling on her lips.

* * *

><p>A tight grin on her face, Beckett sat straighter in her chair, her fingertips tingling with the sensation of a fresh lead. This wasn't a little hint of what she'd been chasing for most of her adult life, a glimpse of a face, a vague recollection of a conversation barely remembered. No, this was solid evidence, something concrete to follow. This was blood in the water, and the shark had just caught the scent.<p>

Noting the change in her posture, Castle locked his phone and slipped it into his jacket pocket.

"You got something, Beckett?" He asked, the atmosphere held an edge that he could sense.

"Castle, I..." Unable to for the words, she settled for passing the folder over the desk to her partner. A brief glance, thanks to his speed reading abilities, and his jaw dropped.

"This is..."

"I know, right?"

"But he..."

"Yeah. And all this time, we..."

"We have to..."

"Of course. Goes without saying." Their habit of finishing each others' sentences had progressed as their personal relationship had deepened. Outsiders had found it freaky before, and despite all the ribbing from their colleagues, they enjoyed it immensely.

In the six months that they had been dating (the first three of which they had managed to keep a secret, even from Ryan and Esposito), the connection had only intensified. Now, when they were building theory, they had a tendency to speak only in half-sentences, their thoughts so in tune they didn't need to finish before the other would understand and respond.

Standing in unison, they casually made their way from the desk to the break room, the folder still casually grasped in Castle's hands. Making them both a coffee, Beckett was unusually noisy in her preparations, conveniently covering the sounds of her partner spreading the contents of the folder out on the table in front of him. Taking a quick photo with his phone camera, Castle immediately forwarded the picture to Beckett's phone as well as to a secure email address, before slipping the phone away and reassembling the file.

Her attention on the espresso machine, Beckett grinned as the sudden warmth behind her let her know that Castle was standing close to her. One of his arms reaching around to pick up the hot cup from under the coffee spout, she didn't miss the gentle intake of his breath as his face brushed lightly against her hair.

A quick glance to either side showing they were still unobserved, Kate relaxed her shoulders into his chest briefly a she turned her head and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. The feeling of safety she got from simply leaning against him was something she still wasn't used to. The feeling of his solid presence behind her, his arms wrapping around her stomach as he just held her for a moment was just what she needed.

They might officially be a couple, but the captain still wasn't Castle's biggest fan, and she frowned on open displays of affection in the precinct. They had managed to keep their hands to themselves for the most part, and had so far gotten away with only the occasional stolen kiss in work hours.

Grounding her, settling her jittery, adrenaline-fueled nerves, the simple act of a brief hug was all that was required to sharpen her focus, to harden her resolve. Not to solve the case, that was never in doubt, but instead her resolution to take it slowly.

Her words from the bank robbery came back to her, and she smiled, slow and confident.

"I don't chase... I hunt." She'd said, and it was the perfect description of how her and Castle had shifted tactics when it came to her mother's case, to her own case. Gone was the overwhelming desire to rush headlong into it. Between her therapist and her boyfriend, she'd realised that that way would only lead to more heartache and probably their deaths. Instead, they moved slowly, carefully. Each piece of evidence was assessed, weighed, and carefully slotted into the jigsaw.

Unhurried, they looked at the things surrounding the evidence first, before easing their way forward with all the care of a bomb disposal expert. This new piece was a big one, and they had to be extra careful when doing the digging around it, in case they triggered the red flags they knew would be in place.

A soft sigh escaped her as Castle relaxed his hold on her slightly, his coffee cup completing its interrupted journey to his lips. There was a quiet rumble in his chest as he spoke.

"We'll get him, Kate. The net is closing, and he doesn't even see it."

* * *

><p>"Goofball!" Kate's hand slapped his chest playfully. Capturing her hand with his own, Castle raised to his lips, pressing a courtly kiss to her knuckles. His manners completely at odds with the cheesy grin on his face, he straightened, keeping her hand in his own. Raising it above her head, he spun her around, then dipping her gracefully.<p>

Arms snaking around her waist, he held her close, rubbing his nose against hers.

"Yeah, but I'm your goofball..." He grinned at her for a moment before kissing her playfully. Not bothering to hide her answering grin, Kate relaxed into his embrace, her hand fisting the smooth fabric of his shirt as she lost herself in the kiss.

Breaking for air, she ducked her head, resting in against his chest. Reassured by the sound of his heart beating solidly under her ear, she let out a contented sigh.

"That you are, Rick." She snuggled against him, her arms under his jacket, spread against the muscles of his shoulders. Pressing a tender kiss to her hair, Rick let himself simply hold her for a few moments.

"Hey, Kate..." He asked, finally. He waited until she removed her head from against his chest, looking up at him, a soft, happy glow filling her face with contentment.

"Yeah?" Her voice lazy and quiet, she blinked slowly, still getting used to just how much she loved him. It shouldn't have surprised her since they had been officially together for over a year, and she knew that she'd been in love with him even longer than that, but it had taken a while for her to admit it even to herself.

"Marry me?" The words floated across the cozy atmosphere of the loft. Her heart hammering in her chest, Kate's mind whirled. She recalled with perfect clarity the events surrounding Ryan's proposal to Jenny at the precinct. She remembered Castle's extravagant suggestions (mostly something to do with air travel, for some reason), and her reply that most women want something simple and intimate.

Being held comfortably against the chest of the man she loved, in the lounge room of their home, and the simple question hanging in the air between them certainly qualified, she mused. She had a fair idea that Rick was going to propose at some point, and she was more than prepared to admit to herself that she was done looking. He was her one. Getting married was the next logical step, and yet somehow they had never really mentioned it.

Maybe it was his previous marriages (or more to the point his ex-wives, and his post-divorce relationships with them), but Kate never felt comfortable talking about it with him. The heartache that surrounded his summer in the Hampton's had long ago faded, once they had talked about her break-up with Demming, and Castle's hasty decision to invite his ex-wife along. Somehow, the discussion had tailed off after that, and the topic hadn't come up again... until now.

Her head resting once more against his chest, she heart the thrumming of his heart, the pace startling her somewhat, before she realised just how long she had been standing there in his arms, silent, the question unanswered. Smoothing her hand across his shirt, she looked up at him, blinking as tears filled her eyes.

"Yes, Rick... yes." She captured his lips softly, her hands cupping his face as she poured herself into him. Kate could feel it in his kiss the moment her words registered with him, his lips spreading beneath hers to form a grin he couldn't control. Breaking for air, she was surprised when she felt Rick shift slightly, his hands slipping from around her. One hand darting into his pocket, he pulled out a dark blue velvet box as he went to one knee and took her left hand in his. Flipping the box open with his thumb, he withdrew the ring from inside and slid it gently onto her finger.

His face filled with love, he looked up at her as he pressed his lips gently to her knuckles before standing up, her hand still lightly clasped in his own. An answering grin on her lips, Kate ran her eyes over the tasteful white gold band now adorning her finger, tracing the flowing lines, noting the exquisite workmanship for several seconds, before turning her gaze on her fiancée. The word struck her suddenly: Fiancée. Her heart skipped a beat as she tried to repress the joy bubbling up from within, but she realised there was no point holding back. She was engaged. No, _they_ were engaged. Something which she would later swear definitely wasn't a giggle slipped from her lips an instant before they crashed against those of her husband-to-be. Shortly thereafter, she let out a surprised squeak as her partner picked her up and carried her down the hall to their bedroom to continue their celebration in a more private setting.

* * *

><p>Kate smiled slowly, a predatory glint in her eyes as she stalked across the room towards him. Hips swaying, she was combined lethal grace and sensuality as she approached him, fingers slipping the top few buttons free on her shirt.<p>

Reaching out for her, Rick placed one hand on her hip, fingers gripping her firmly even as he closed the distance between them, his free hand weaving through her auburn hair with practiced ease. Their mouths only inches apart, he paused for a moment, savouring the feel of her pressed against him for an instant, before capturing her lips with his own. Well used to each other's bodies, he knew the effects his kisses had on her, and was planning on making the most of it. Judging from the way her slim hands slipped between them, rapidly undoing his shirt, her fingers spreading across the swell of his chest, she had certain ideas along the same lines.

Pulling his bottom lip between her teeth, she nipped at him, her thumb caressing his nipple an instant before her free hand slapped into his chest. A wicked grin on her lips, she shoved him backwards, hard.

The back of his calves hit the edge of the bed, upending him. Barely having time to let out a small 'oof' of surprise, he found himself pinned to the bed. Straddling him, his wrists firmly gripped with one hand, Beckett leaned forward and ground herself onto him, rocking her hips as she tossed her hair back over her shoulders, a purr of appreciation spilling from her lips. Reaching down, she untucked his shirt from his pants with one hand, trailing wet kisses across his collarbone and down his chest.

"You, Rick, are wearing too many clothes." She stated in a low growl. Leaning back onto his thighs, she undid his belt. Not to be outdone, Castle let her finish with his belt before he flexed his thighs, the movement tossing her forward. As she caught herself, her arms braced, he reached up between them and griped the collar of her shirt. Ripping the edges apart, he raked his eyes appreciatively over the lacy bra she wore, the sounds of the scattered buttons on the floor bringing a small chuckle from him. Rolling his wrists, he quickly stripped the shirt down her shoulders and paused, her arms still in the sleeves, pinned to her sides. Leaning upwards, he took advantage of her restricted movements, capturing a nipple through the lacy material in his teeth.

The heat burning through them both flaring, Castle knew that this wasn't a night for slow and gentle. He had suspected as much, given the heated looks she had been giving him all day at the book signing... The usual crowd of fangirls thrusting their ample chests at him had guaranteed the return of possessive-Beckett. The fans had known about their engagement since the announcement several months back, but some of the more determined women thought that perhaps he could still be tempted to sign something more intimate than the inside cover of a book. The looks of disappointment on their faces had been poorly-hidden, but the simple fact that they were throwing themselves at _her_ fiancée had Kate seeing green. Accustomed to women flirting almost automatically with him, the sight of them openly pressing themselves up against him brought a heated look to her eyes, forcing her to cross her arms and glare so she wouldn't be tempted to reach for her cuffs, or her gun.

A victorious smile stamped itself firmly on her face as he stood and casually wrapped an arm around her in front of the entire crowd. Her glare spurring his own protective instincts, Castle introduced her to them as his fiancée as well as the inspiration for Nikki Heat. The faces of the eager women in the crowd had fallen flat at the pronouncement, but with his hand resting on her hip, the length of her body pressed to his side as if she were made to fit there, he couldn't bring himself to care about their dashed hopes.

His mind returning to the present, he rocked his hips into her, keeping her flesh between his teeth as he bit down a little harder, pulling his head back slightly. The movement pulled a throaty moan from Beckett, her eyes rolling slightly, before meeting his own, the intensity building between them.

Shrugging her arms free of the shirt, Kate tossed it aside, one hand cupped the back of Rick's head as she pulled him hard against her chest, fingers gripping his hair tightly as his mouth worked against her breast. Arching into him, she reached behind and unfastened her bra. His eyes black with desire, Castle gripped the lace in his teeth and pulled it form her, tossing it to one side with a flick of his head.

Before the bra hit the floor, he had latched back onto her breast, drawing a mouthful. Running the broad pad of his tongue over the rapidly-hardening nipple, he growled his appreciation around her, the vibrations sending a jolt of pleasure through her as she bit back a moan, her hands grabbing a fistful of his unruly hair. Kate gripped his hair firmly, pressing his face to her chest as he lapped at her nipple, teeth marking the delicate flesh, the slight coarseness of his stubble slipping against her sweat-slicked skin. Abandoning herself to the sensations he was stoking within, she ran her free hand down and cupped her other breast, squeezing, fingers rolling the rosy peak between her thumb and forefinger, matching the pressure his lips and teeth were exerting. Her breath coming faster, she tossed her hair back over her naked shoulders and rolled her hips, working herself against his groin.

Castle let her moistened nipple slip form his lips as he ran his nails down her back, tilting his head back to admire the naked vision atop him. Her chest flushed with arousal, eyes black with lust and her lips swollen from the intensity of their kisses, she was everything he could want and more. A wicked grin stole across his lips as he ground his hips into her core, watching as her eyelids fluttered, knowing that he was the only one who got to see the wild, uninhibited side of her.

He let out a purr of appreciation as she rocked her hips against him, feeling her wetness soaking through his pants already. Surprised at her eagerness, but certainly not complaining, he curled his fingers, nails sliding up her toned back muscles as she slid down his body, trailing hot, wet kisses from his jaw down his chest. Her fingers deftly undoing his button and unzipping the pants, she let out a throaty chuckle as she brushed her nose against the tenting in his boxers, the scent of her arousal meeting her lips as she turned her head sideways and placed her teeth around his length through the thin silk.

Lips wrapped around his shaft, Kate let his body take her weight as she ran her hands down her side, fingers slipping under the edge of her pants. The wiggling of her hips as she eased the clothes free driving him deeper into her mouth, she sucked hard on his length, the wet silk sliding against his skin as she let her teeth snag the material. Pants around her ankles, she nibbled her way up him, letting her saliva seep through the material, the heat causing him to twitch between her lips as she smiled around him. Hooking one hand into the back of his pants, she slipped the other between his thighs. The tip of her nose running the length of him, she drew the head into her mouth at the same time as she cupped his balls, the tip of one finger lightly stroking the base. His hips jerking forward into her, she let her teeth graze their way back up him as she used the movement to shimmy his pants down.

His wordless groan all she needed to know her attentions were having the desired effect, Kate trailed her hands slowly up his well-muscled legs, fingers teasing the top of his boxers for a moment, before stripping them from him, her mouth capturing him the instant he was free of the material.

Without warning, she took him all the way into her mouth, lips working as she relaxed, letting him fill her, brushing the back of her throat for an instant before she swallowed reflexively. Her moan muffled, she felt the moisture running down between her thighs at the feeling of him filling her so completely. Her free hand reached down, caressing the slickness that coated her folds, the lace of her dampened panties causing a delicious friction against her sensitive core. Stroking herself, she worked the tips of her fingers in a tight circle, pushing the lace between her folds, as she ground herself onto her fingers. Shifting the fabric to one side, her fingers circled her nub. She slipped one finger inside, before adding a second a moment later. Pressed hard against his abdomen, she worked him with her mouth, lips and teeth clamped firmly around him as her tongue stroked him in time to the flickering of her fingers both wrapped around him, and buried deep inside herself.

Speeding up, she let him slip almost free of her lips, then brought her hand up from his balls to wrap around his shaft, gripping tightly. Rolling her wrist, she worked her tongue around him, lapping at the sensitive underside as she pumped him faster, feeling her walls clenching around her fingers. Thumb circling her clit, she panted through her nose as drove him into her mouth in time to her frantic caresses. She exploded seconds later, squeezing him hard as she came, the vibrations of her wordless satisfaction bringing him close to the edge.

His breathing ragged, Rick looked down his body at her. Their eyes locked, he sucked in a shaky lung full of air, trying to control himself as she sucked hard on him, teeth dragging their way up his length. Her expression sill unfocused from her orgasm, Kate felt him twitch in her mouth. Seeing him nearly come undone already, she smiled wickedly around him, letting her body raise from his thighs. The soft light of the bedroom sparkling from the sheen of sweat on her breasts, she let her nipples graze up his legs as she gave his head one last flick of her tongue before letting it fall from her swollen lips with a wet pop. She raised her hand from between her legs, replacing his hardness with her dripping fingers. Humming loudly as she slowly cleaned her juices from her hand, she kept eye contact with him as she rocked back onto her behind, slipping her drenched panties off in one smooth movement. She shrugged her shoulders slightly as she straightened up, letting the movement set her breasts to swaying, running her hands up her belly, cupping them, stroking them, watching him watch her enjoyment. Pinching both nipples firmly, she moaned, squeezing her breasts together, her tongue tracing her lips wetly as she half closed her eyes.

Leaning forward again, she crawled up him, her breasts grazing their way up his body. Settling herself astride his hips, she reached behind her and lifted his length, rock hard in her eager fingers before running the head along her folds, coating it in the slickness there. Watching his eyes, she placed the tip at her entrance and held it there, gyrating her hips, letting her inner lips stroke him, feeling his hips jerk in response.

One hand braced on his chest to steady herself, Kate felt his abs clench as he bit back a needy groan. She held herself still for a split second, waiting until she saw him relax slightly, then drove down onto him, impaling herself on him without warning.

"Fuck, Kate!" His exclamation brought a wicked smile to her lips as she felt the breath rush out of him as he twitched inside her. Clenching her inner muscles, she rolled her hips around him, keeping him buried deep inside her as she leaned forward, the pressure parting her folds and bringing her clit into contact with his pelvic bone with every rock of her hips.

Her mouth parting as the desire rapidly coiled tighter within her, Kate raised her hips, almost pulling him out of her, before slamming herself onto him again, repeating the movements with increasing intensity, the wet slap of their bodies meeting a sharp counterpoint to the sounds of their ragged breathing. Sounds of wordless encouragement falling from her as she threw herself into the moment, she felt the world spin as he gripped her hips tightly to him with one hand and rolled.

Cupping her ass with his hand, Castle pressed her into the mattress, barely breaking their rhythm as he pounded into her, his control slipping. Spurred on by his taking control, Beckett fisted his hair once more, turning his head as she sank her teeth into the side of his neck, hard. Her lips sealed against his skin, the taste of his sweat mingled with the tang of blood as her sucking drew it to the surface.

Her deliberate marking of him pulled something primal from within him. Mirroring her actions, he nibbled his way down her neck and bit, losing control as her legs wrapped around his hips and pulled him close. His breathing shaky, he sped up, her inner walls gripping him tightly as he worked himself into her, hot and wet. Her voice a continuous, needy moan, she felt her juices running down her, sliding between her cheeks as his hand slid between her backside and the drenched sheets, gripping her ass. The extra leverage working to his advantage, he held her tightly against him, grinding into her with wild abandon for several stokes, before the hot slap as he filled her sparked her own orgasm. Kate let herself go as their bodies writhed together in ecstasy, mouths slipping free of skin as they reached blindly for each others' lips, nipping, caressing as he moved within her. Slowing, their breaths mingling, he took his weight on his elbows so he didn't crush her.

Out of breath, but refusing to collapse, he stared at the woman beneath him, watching as the unfocused look faded slowly, her scattered thoughts finally gathering once more.

"That was..." She paused, her eyes noting the love-bite on his neck, pride and possessiveness warring within her. He grinned at her, his voice still thick with desire.

"Oh hell yes..." Easing his hips back slightly, Kate felt her walls clench around him, her body as unwilling to let go of him as her mind. The fires only just sated flared to life again between them, a slow, lazy coil of heat. A wicked grin on his face, Castle looked on as her eyes widened, feeling him harden rapidly inside her, moving slowly into her again. Biting her lip, she let out a moan of pleasure as he laced his fingers through hers, raising their joined hands above their heads, pressing her solidly into the bed.

Her reaction all the sign he needed, Rick gave himself over to the rising wave of need that filled them again. Their lovemaking lasting most of the night, neither of them gave any thought to the empty packet of pills in the bathroom drawer...

* * *

><p>Castle slipped his shirt over his head and turned, running an appreciative look over the figure in front of him. Bending down, Kate was shimmying into a faded pair of jeans. A lecherous grin on his face, her fiancée sat on the edge of their bed and admired the view. The top of her jeans finally easing over her hips, Kate did the button up and turned around, hunting for the emerald green top she had tossed onto the bed earlier. His eyes taking in lacy black bra that was the only thing covering her torso, Castle stood, sauntering casually over to her holding out the top in question.<p>

Feasting on the gorgeous curves before him, the slightest of frowns creased his forehead. Blinking, he tried to shake the thought crossing his mind. Seeing his distraction, Kate paused, one arm already into the shirt.

"Rick?" She asked, a little concerned. Forcing his expression to smooth out, he answered his question with one of his own.

"This is one of the bras you brought from your apartment when you moved in, isn't it?" He reached out, running his fingers down the strap, ghosting the tips across the delicate mound of her breast, which seemed to fill the lacy garment more than the last time he had paid it such close attention. Her breath catching, she leaned into him and dropped the shirt from her fingers, letting the swell of her curves fill his hand. Purring to herself softly, she stepped closer, bringing his other hand up to her chest, cupping herself with his hands, biting her lip as she stood before him, shuddering with want as his thumbs drew lazy circles, caressing her through the thin lace. Gone from zero to horny in the space of less than a second, Kate dropped her hands to his hips and pulled him close, fingers hooked through his belt-loops. Dragging her mind out of the front of his pants for a moment, she replied, voice husky.

"No, this is one of the ones you bought me for our anniversary..." She grinned wickedly at him, her voice dropping lower. "I know you were just watching my pull my jeans on over the matching panties, Rick." She dragged his name out as she leaned forward, the tip of her nose brushing his freshly showered skin, reveling in his scent. She pressed a delicate kiss to the corner of his jaw. "Just like..." She kissed a little lower. "I know..." She licked the taste of him from her lips, before trailing a series of wet, sucking kisses down his chest. "You wanted them..." She flickered the tip of her tongue around his nipple, nipping it lightly. "Off me..." Whatever had been on his mind fled under the onslaught of her attentions. His fingers weaving through her chestnut hair, he groaned as he cradled her head against his chest. Running his hands down her shoulders, he glanced at the clock for an instant.

_Loads of time..._ He thought, throwing restraint to the winds. Hooking his fingers through the straps of the bra, he slid them off her creamy shoulders, unsnapping the clasp with a deft flick of his wrist. He felt, rather than heard the low purr that rumbled from her as the delicate lace teased her sensitised flesh when he pulled the bra out from between them.

The hard peaks of her nipples pressed into his chest, grazing his skin for an instant before their torsos welded together. Fingertips walking the length of her spine, Castle smiled against her skin. He thought that perhaps she was getting a little more curvy in the last few weeks, putting it down to their regular, healthy meals. Far from complaining, he relished the feeling of her under his hands. Sliding them down her back, he cupped her backside as he pulled her closer. Whilst he was far from not attracted to her before, the way she filled out her jeans now made his mouth go dry, and the bra? He purred as he leaned back, caressing her chest. Curving his hands, he let her breasts fill them, thumbs circling her nipples, his eyes darkening with desire as she threw her head back. His eyes might not be totally reliable, but his fingers knew their business. There was _definitely_ more there, his hands told him clearly. A throaty moan easing from her parted lips, Kate pressed herself forwards, letting him know wordlessly that whilst she was enjoying the delicious sensations he was sparking within her, she needed more. Now.

Her hands resting on his broad shoulders, she spun him around to face the bed. Slipping one down the front of his pants, she wrapped her fingers around him, caressing, as the other hand undid the button with practiced ease. The sound of her undoing his fly was smothered by his groan when she squeezed, her breath hot on the back of his neck.

"Get these off, Rick." Flicking her wrist, she eased his pants down, nipping his shoulder playfully as he stepped out of the clothes. Naked and willing, he turned to her, wrapping his arms around her and falling backwards onto their bed. A cheerful growl and a husky whisper in her ear later, and they lost themselves in each other once more.

* * *

><p>"Kate?" He asked, glancing at her empty plate.<p>

"Hmmm?" She replied, her mouth full of his salmon. Her fork already reaching across the table towards the remainder of his dinner, she paused when he didn't answer immediately. She looked at her own plate, scraped clean, then at her hand halfway back to her mouth already. A puzzled look on his face, Castle asked,

"Since when do you like salmon?" Her expression mirroring his, she glared at the food on her fork as she replied.

"I don't..." Curiously, she raised the food to her nose, sniffing delicately, before hesitantly placing it into her mouth. Shock flashed across her features as she chewed, the flavours hitting her tongue. She swallowed, her eyes meeting his as she spoke. "Until tonight, apparently."

Her mind whirled as she thought frantically, assessing the evidence, afraid to even _think_ the words that she could see on Rick's face.

The way her jeans fit tighter than they ever had (not that she minded his eyes glued to her ass when she walked, not in the slightest).

How uncomfortable her bras had been recently.

The increased appetites, for food and sex.

Oh god... was she?

Gently, Rick reached across to her, picking her hand up, thumbs caressing softly, calming her frantic heart. Squeezing gently, he used his free hand to pick up her wine glass, and shifted it out of reach, repeating the movement with his own.

The tears that threatened to spill from her eyes spoke of a gnawing fear. What if he didn't want any more kids? They hadn't even spoken of the possibility... Hell, the wedding was only two months away, and they had been focused on the organisation of that for almost as long as she could remember.

"I think we had better steer clear of this, at least until we know for sure..." He spoke softly, the words carrying far more meaning for them both. Blinking rapidly, she looked over at him and her heart settled almost immediately. Far from looking unhappy at the prospect of hearing the patter of little feet again, her husband-to-be was... radiant? She could see the unbridled joy filling him, his smile pulling an answering one from her.

"Can we..." She started to ask.

"Of course. There's an all-night pharmacy on the way home." He answered her unspoken request, knowing that the sooner they knew for sure, the calmer her mind would be. "Did you want to..." She nodded, placing her cutlery together on the plate even as Castle signaled the waiter for their cheque.

Offering his fiancée his arm as she stood up, Castle couldn't help but grin as he ran his eyes across her still flat tummy, thoughts of a mini-Beckett running around the loft filling his mind. Popping the last of his salmon into her mouth, Kate sucked her fingers clean with a cheeky grin, before resting her head against his shoulder for a brief moment. Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she felt him shift at her side, stepping forward at the same instant she did, as in synch as they ever were. Leaving the restaurant arm in arm, they stepped out into the chilly New York air, nervous, hopeful and wondering.

* * *

><p>AN: And there we go folks... :-) The next chapter is in progress, hopefully the wait wont be as long this time round. I now have a _lot_ more free time, so the fic should be flowing thick and fast.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Ok folks, here is the final chapter! This one took me a lot longer to get through than I'd originally hoped for, it was just being stubborn, for some reason. My deepest thanks to Manuxinhace, as ever, for her patience in putting up with the numerous revisions and alterations to this, and for soldiering on through the angsty bits for me. Thanks also to Karin, for a fresh set of eyes, when both Manu and I were beat. Your thoughts and comments etc are very much welcomed, and will probably go some way to getting me off my lazy backside and working on some of my other, lately neglected, fics. Thank you all for your alerts, favorites and reviews, folks, writing this one has been a blast.**

**cheers, NevynR.**

**Warning: Still spoilers for Kill Shot, folks. This chapter also deals with character death, and it is advisable to have tissues on hand, just in case. Trust me though, it's not all bad.**

* * *

><p>Previously, in Choices:<p>

_Kate had a PTSD-induced meltdown at her apartment. Freaking out she called Castle, moments before falling and hitting her head. She was unconscious when he arrived, and called 911._

_She woke up, standing on a sandy plain, barren as far as the eye could see, except for two mirrors._

_Touching one, she experienced one possible future for herself, a not very pleasant one at that._

_Back on the plain, she reached out and touched the second mirror, and was pulled into another alternate future, ending with her stealing Rick's salmon, and realising that they might be hearing the pitter-patter of little Caskett babies in the not too distant future._

And now, the conclusion.

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><p>Drawing a deep breath to calm herself, she nervously ran her hands down the shimmering white of her dress, smoothing it over her hips, fingers caressing her stomach for a brief second, the faintest of bumps beginning to show. Letting her breath out slowly, she looked at her father, seeing the tears glistening in his eyes. His voice choked with emotion, he asked her,<p>

"You ready, Katie?" Settling herself, she smiled back at him, still having trouble believing she was here, about to do this.

"Yeah, dad." She blinked rapidly, keeping her own tears in check. "I think I've been waiting for this day longer than I know." Giving her a proud nod, Jim extended his arm to her. Stepping forward, she threaded her arm through his as they paused at the doorway.

A change in the music signalling their cue, they started moving, Kate's movements becoming firmer and more resolved with each step. Rounding the corner, she saw the rows of chairs either side of the aisle, filled with their friends and family. Ahead of her, she could see Lanie's back as she walked ahead of her.

At the far end, Maddie waited patiently, already finished the slow walk down the carpet to the altar. Opposite her stood their counterparts: Ryan and Esposito, resplendent in their black suits, hands clasped behind their backs, cheesy gins firmly in place. Next to them... her heart thudded in her chest, her breathing faltering. Castle was still, as if frozen in place. Rooted to the spot, he waited, stunned by the vision in white that made her way towards him. The blue of his eyes somewhere between the rich, deep blue of the ocean they stood next to and the cloudless sky above, she lost herself in his gaze.

The connection between them pulling her forwards, it felt like the distance was too far, she needed to be there with him, needed to be by his side already. She blinked, wondering where the walk had gone, because she was _there_, her hand grasped in his as they stood in front of the minister.

Lost in her eyes, he held hers lightly as he spoke.

"I, Richard, take you Katherine to be my wife, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health..."

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><p>Hands clasped, they sat in the hard seats of the court: Martha, Alexis, Rick, Kate and Jim. Behind them were their friends, Ryan and Jenny, Esposito and Lanie, all there to bear witness. The wait stretched on as they sat, anxious, the hush palpable.<p>

"All rise." The Bailiff ordered as the judge entered the court, followed shortly by the jurors.

"Please be seated." The judge said, as he sat down and looked over at the jury. "Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict?" The jury spokesman responded, his voice steady.

"We have, Your Honour." Kate tensed, her hand gripping that of her husband tightly, her lip held firmly between her teeth. As if sensing the gravity of the moment, their unborn child took the opportunity to kick her ribs, hard. Eight and a half months pregnant, Kate winced as she tried to ignore the pain as she focused on the events in front of her.

"What say you?" The judge demanded, solemn, his attention drifting to the man currently standing in the docks, cuffed, and surrounded by officers of the court. Voice steady, the lead juror spoke.

"On the charges of murder in the first degree, we find the defendant: guilty on all counts. On the charges of conspiracy to commit murder, we find the defendant: guilty on all counts." Kate let her breath out in a loud whoosh as she leaned back, feeling the weight she had carried around since her mother's death finally lift. Elated, she looked around her, tears making their way down her cheeks as she slipped her arm around her father's shoulders, hugging him tightly.

"It's over, dad, it's finally over..."

Standing outside the court rooms, they took turns hugging, shaking hands where appropriate as their friends and family shared in the congratulations. They all knew how long it had taken to reach this point, how hard they had worked, and how much they had lost.

Throwing her arms around her husband's neck, Kate kissed him soundly, the unrestrained joy that filled her transmitted into him, grins firmly in place despite the intensity of their embrace.

Shifting slightly to ease the pressure on her stomach, she felt wetness run down her legs. Pulling back from the kiss, she gasped.

"Oh god, Rick..." His startled eyes met her own. "I think my water just broke..."

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><p>Tired and sore, Kate lay back on the pillows. Despite her fatigue, she couldn't wipe the grin off her face. Gazing tenderly at the bundle in her arms, she stroked the tips of her fingers across her daughters face, marveling at the way her tiny hands sought hers out immediately. Gripping her mothers finger tightly, Emma nuzzled against the warm chest, seeking comfort and food.<p>

"Hey there, baby girl..." The soft voice of her husband distracting her from the bundle in her arms for a moment, Kate fixed her eyes on him, so full of love she couldn't contain it.

"Rick, she's perfect..." She smiled, her face suffused with joy.

"And hungry..." Her husband replied, quietly, his hand caressing her hair, smoothing the chestnut locks displaced by her labor. Kate's eyes dropped once more to their daughter, hands going to the hospital gown. Oblivious to anything else in the room, she eased Emma's face closer to her breast, Kate's mouth fell open in a small 'o' of surprise as the baby's lips latched on, suckling immediately.

"Soon as you've finished your lunch, there is a whole bunch of people outside who want to meet you, little one." Rick murmured, easing his arm around his wife's shoulders as he joined her in watching their daughter enjoy her first meal. "You and your Mom are in demand today..."

Kate nestled her head into the crook of his neck and sighed happily. Her husband, and now their daughter... They were a family, and she couldn't be happier.

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><p>"You know what? I don't care. I'm done." The sounds carried down the hall clearly, jerking Kate from her peaceful afternoon reading. Frowning, she slipped a bookmark into place and left her well read copy of Naked Heat on the coffee table. Standing up, she glanced at the clock and realised that Rick would be home any minute now, arms full of supplies for the party.<p>

"Crap..." She muttered, under her breath, hoping that whatever had caused the outburst from Alexis room was fixable soon. The stunning red-head had been nervous all week, since her boyfriend of three years proposed. The engagement party was only a few days away, and she was having trouble balancing the planning with her studies.

_Not the best timing, perhaps..._ Kate mused. _College finals the same week as a party won't be pretty._

Kate headed down the hall and paused at the closed bedroom door. She drew a breath, calming herself down slightly. Shaking her head, she raised her hand and knocked softly on the door. There was silence for a few seconds, and the sound of what might have been muffled sobs, before she heard a voice within.

"Come in..." Alexis said, choking the words out. Pushing the door open slowly, Kate entered her step-daughter's room. Lying on her side on the bed, curled in the fetal position, the red-head was wiping her nose with a tissue, the sodden mess flung across the room with a ferocity that the detective had never seen from her before. Following the arc of the tissue, she saw it hit the wall and fall into a pile that was already there. Obviously, something was up with Little Castle, something major.

"Honey..." Kate asked quietly, easing herself onto the bed next to Alexis, stroking her hair gently. "You wanna tell me what's wrong?" Her breath hitching, Alexis pulled another tissue from the box, dabbing at her eyes for a moment. Turning her head, she looked up at Kate through reddened, puffy lids.

"Why, Kate...? Can you tell me why?" Her hand stilling for a second, Kate thought frantically, trying to see where the question was coming from. Giving up, she asked

"Why what, Lex?" Wrapping her arms around the detective, Alexis let out a soft keening sound, her chest convulsing again with the strength of her emotions. Forcing the words out between sobs, she explained.

"Why my _mother_-" She spat the word with such venom that Kate almost recoiled in shock. "thinks that working on some Indie movie in California is more important than coming to my wedding!" Stunned, Kate's mouth dropped open. She knew that Alexis mother wasn't the most stable of women (she'd heard her husband describe his ex-wife as 'a few fries short of a Happy Meal' once, and the phrase seemed to sum the woman up very nicely in Kate's opinion), but surely she couldn't be _that_ stupid... could she?

One hand rubbing soothing circles on the crying young woman's back, the other weaving through her step-daughter's hair, Kate Castle was at a loss. She knew that on her own wedding day, as perfect as it had been, she had still felt her mother's absence keenly. To not have her mother there, watching as her father walked her down the aisle was hard, but this? To stand there, in front of her friends and family, knowing that the woman who gave birth to her would rather pursue her career than be there for her daughter on one of the most important days of her life...? Words failed her. Wordless shusshing noises slipped from her lips without thought, the same rhythmic, calming tones she had used only a few short years ago whenever Emma had woken from a nightmare, or just refused to settle.

Initially worried about her mothering abilities, Kate's concerns had been more than eased in short order by her husband, who calmly insisted that she was a natural. Their daughter was growing up (far too rapidly, if you asked Rick) a happy, well adjusted little girl, and despite the fact that Alexis was not her own flesh and blood, she was family in every way that mattered.

The movements eased the sobs gradually, and Alexis clung to her tightly as she let out her disappointment and hurt at her mothers rejection. Eventually, she let out a slow, shaky breath and reached for another tissue. Wiping her eyes again, she sat up, her arms still around Kate's waist. Her face determined, Alexis looked the detective squarely in the face, saying

"Its her loss, Kate. If she can't be bothered gracing us with her presence, I don't want her there, period." She swallowed, her face losing some of it's resolve. "Will you..." She dropped her eyes to her lap, staring at her knees for a moment before meeting Kate's eyes again. "Please... You have been more of a mother to me than that woman ever has."

"Of course I will..." The response came automatically as Kate enfolded her in a tender hug. Resting her cheek against the mane of red hair, she had to blink away tears of her own.

"Kate?" Alexis asked quietly, her head still snuggled against Kate's chest. Humming her acknowledgement, she let Alexis work through her thoughts in her own mind before voicing them. "Is it okay that I don't actually like my mother? I mean, she is my mom, and I am supposed to love her, but she's never been there for me, not when it mattered. Shopping trips to Paris, and crazy stuff like that, yeah, but for crying with me over ice-cream when boys are being stupid? Dad has had to do that... although I know a lot of his advice has come from you since he started following you around." Kate could hear the smile in her voice at the last part.

"He may have mentioned an issue or two..." She murmured.

"Thanks..." Alexis replied. She let out a sigh, exhausted by the torrent of emotion. "I guess I never got over her leaving us..." She admitted. "It was years afterward that I actually found out what happened. Dad never lied about it to me, but he tried to gloss over it as much as he could. I guess he was just trying to protect me from it, from hating her for it." Kate pulled back slightly, looking her full in the face, saying

"Maybe he was just trying to make sure you still had some kind of relationship with her, even if it isn't the kind you want..." Alexis nodded, a frown forming.

"I get that, and believe me, I'm grateful to him for it..."

"But...?" Alexis sighed before responding.

"But I am big enough to make decisions like that myself now. If she can't spare the time to come, then she's not worth my effort, Kate." She clenched her jaw, her expression rock solid. "I'm done. She has bailed on everything that has ever mattered to me, and I'm sick of it." Alexis looked her step-mother full in the face, her words shockingly blunt. "You know, if it wasn't for dad, she'd have just had an abortion the day she found out she was pregnant? The only reason dad knew about it was because he found her in the bathroom with the test in her hand."

Kate gaped at her, unable to fathom how Meredith could have come to that decision, let alone so quickly.

"How did you-" She started, before the red head cut her off.

"I pieced it together from one of the arguments they had a few years back. The only reason she didn't was because dad proposed. She never wanted me, it was always about _her_." She crossed her arms, anger filling her face. "Dad gave up so much, taking care of me all the time. She was always off at auditions, parties, living the high life, and he was home with me. Even back then, I knew things weren't good with them. She'd come home later and later, or sometimes not at all."

Kate wrapped her arms around Alexis, her cheek pressed against the mane of red hair, trying to keep her own tears at bay, her heart breaking as she sat quietly, listening with horrified attention as the young woman let loose a lifetime of pent-up bitterness, years of missed birthdays and school performances, occasions too numerous to recall individually where she had dragged her daughter to social functions to show her off, only to forget about her when she caught the attention of whichever casting director or producers was there. Kate thought she had seen the worst of it, but she was wrong.

"Did dad ever actually tell out what the final straw was between them?" Alexis asked hesitantly. Kate shook her head slowly. The issue hadn't come up, and she still found even thinking about with of his ex-wives got her hackles up. She knew that he loved her, and he had proved it for years. She had no reason to distrust him, his prior history was just that: prior. Kate had seen how much he had changed since he waltzed into her life. Thinking back on it, she realised that perhaps he hadn't changed, so much as shed the persona, letting the man he really was out once again. He hadn't asked her about her boyfriends, probably for the same reason if the expression on his face was anything to go by every time he happened to cross paths with Demming at the precinct.

Curiosity aflame, she waited, unsure if she really wanted to know. Alexis looked her full in the face, the pain still visible in her eyes.

"Dad had taken the afternoon to write, went out to clear his head and Mom was supposed to be looking after me for a couple of hours. He must have gotten into a creative streak, because he got the chapters done early, and came home to find her on the couch with the slime-ball directing her latest production. He damn near had a coronary, but it wasn't because she cheated on him." Alexis looked almost proud of her father as she shook her head, still amazed at him. "He threw them their clothes, then tend told then to get a room elsewhere." She closed her eyes briefly, still able to recall the fury in her fathers face that day, despite how young she had been. "That was the last time I saw her for a couple of years. Dad says the divorce paperwork was sent to him less than a week later, from California." Alexis sighed bitterly, looking back on the incident for the first time in years as an adult instead of through the eyes of a child. Her mouth showing her distaste, she went on. "So that's why I don't care any more, Kate. My own mother couldn't keep her clothes on long enough to take care of her baby girl for a couple of hours. Couldn't sort out lunch, couldn't change a nappy because she was too busy cheating on dad, in their own house. Dad might have even been able to get past it, the first time, but once he did some digging and found out it wasn't the first time, or even the third or fourth...? She beat him to the punch with the paperwork."

Kate sat back, her arms still loosely wrapped around Alexis shoulders, stunned. She knew her husband's playboy reputation, and as much as she knew he'd changed, she had held a niggling suspicion that that had been at least part of the cause of his divorces. Her mind spun as she tried to wrap her head around Meredith's decisions. She tried to picture herself in Meredith's position, her husband out of the house, and then... Even just thinking about cheating on Rick filled her stomach with bile. She couldn't do it, couldn't even imagine it. Thinking back on it, she realised the sick feeling even pre-dated them getting together. She'd felt... uncomfortable when she was with Tom, not able really put a name to what she had been feeling, or why. He was cute, and a cop, intelligent and charming, and she had practically thrown herself at him to avoid facing the possibility of opening up to Castle. After that, the feelings were swamped by the bitterness and rejection that had followed when Castle had left for the summer, Gina on his arm. The sickening feeling had returned in full force after the freezer incident, as she stood in the precinct with Josh's arms wrapped around her as he murmured into her ear, her eyes fixed on her partner as he walked out, disappointment and hurt written clearly on his face, with her words still unsaid hanging in the air between them.

"Commitment has always been his problem..." Alexis spoke softly. "But never lack of it. Kyra left him, Mom cheated and left him. Gina was... different. I think he spent so much effort trying to make sure I wouldn't get hurt if she left that it was self-fulfilling, at least the first time around. He just never seemed to open up on that level to anybody, it was always about the appearance, the millionaire playboy after that except with Grams and I... and now you." Alexis smiled softly, he face calmer after being able to vent her feelings. "Thank you, by the way... I'm not sure if I ever actually said that before, you know..."

"For what?" Kate asked, still absorbing her step-daughter's revelations.

"For being there... for making him happy again."

* * *

><p>Images, sensations, the impression of memories flickered through Kate's consciousness like the turning pages of a calendar marking the passing of years:<p>

Seated in the church, watching as her husband walked Alexis down the aisle, then returning to her side, hands clasped together, Meredith nowhere in sight.

Trying to hide her amused grin as she watched Rick put the fear of god into the trembling young man who turned up at the loft to collect Emma for her senior prom.

The tears of happiness threatening to spill free as she held Alexis' first baby, then looking over to her husband. The baby already had her grandfather wrapped around little finger. Grandparents... huh.

* * *

><p>Kate let out a shaky breath, memories of her most recent day swimming to the surface of her mind. They had been heading home from their anniversary dinner, and stopped at Remy's for a quick burger for old time's sake.<p>

Her arm looped through his, she rested her head against the lapel of Rick's dinner jacket, the taste of her shake still fresh on her tongue. Kate slipped her arm free, wrapping it around his waist as she pressed a kiss to his jaw. Stopping in the middle of the footpath, he turned, cupping her face in his hands. Lowering his face to hers, he kissed her as tenderly and passionately as he had done in front of their friends and family, thirty years ago to the day.

Engrossed in each other, neither of them paid any heed to the people walking past. Breaking off slowly, he rubbed the tip of his nose against hers for a moment before opening the door of the waiting town car. Offering his wife his hand to steady herself as she stepped into the vehicle, Rick pressed a quick kiss to her knuckles before joining her in the back, the door closing behind him.

The car pulled away from the curb, heading for home. Kate ran her eyes over her husband, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. His hair more grey than dark these days, he still had that boyish twinkle in his eyes that never failed to bring a smile to her face. The years had been kind to him, still able to pull off 'ruggedly handsome', despite the crows feet at the corners of his eyes, and the extra couple of pounds he was carrying. Her own hair had more than a few streaks of white through it, she knew. Thankfully, both of them had been kept on their toes enough to not put on much weight since she retired from the twelfth precinct the year before, the second female captain to serve there, and by far it's longest serving and most popular.

Rick leaned in close, a naughty grin crossing his lips as he trailed his fingers up her thigh.

"So, Mrs Castle, can I-" His words were cut off as the car was slammed violently sideways. The shrieking of rubber on the road mingled with the twisting metal and shattering glass raining down on them in the back. The car lurched sickeningly sideways, its path brought to an abrupt halt as the tyres hit the curb and flipped the vehicle. Barely noting the spinning of the car, the last thing they felt was the roof connecting with the street-light, and then everything went black.

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><p>The steady beep of machines dragged her mind from the blackness, fog still clinging to her thoughts. The scent of disinfectant only served to reinforce her initial assumption: hospital. Again. The feeling that her body was wrapped in cotton wool told her that she was on some pretty heavy medication, a fact which told her that the deep breath she was about to draw was probably a bad idea.<p>

Kate's mental analysis of her injuries was cut short by voices talking in hushed whispers.

"Does she know?" Alexis, she realised. Kate could hear the tears in her step-daughter's voice, throat raw from crying.

"No, not yet..." Esposito's voice was hushed, tight with control. Finally, Kate managed to turn her head, forcing her eyes open. Seeing the movement, Alexis rushed over to her bedside.

"Mom!" She took Kate's hand in her own, warmth spreading the instant their fingers wrapped around. "I'm so glad you are okay..." Relief evident in her voice, the red-head blinked back tears.

"Rick?" Kate asked, her eyes darting around the room, seeking her husband. From her limited viewpoint, she couldn't see him, hers was the only bed in the room. Starting to panic, she met her step-daughter's eyes, and saw the pain there. "Lexi?" She asked, hoping like hell she was wrong.

Alexis swallowed hard, biting her bottom lip hard to stop it trembling. Her eyes filling with tears again, she blinked, the grief spilling out of her again as she moved closer to Kate.

"I'm so sorry mom..." For Kate, the world lurched sickeningly. Suddenly adrift, she felt everything spin, her heart shattering in her chest, the broken shards seeming to slice her anew with every shuddering breath she took.

Her arms wrapping around the woman in front of her, she cradled her close, hands soothing on auto-pilot. Ignoring everything else, Kate hugged Alexis, united in grief, unaware of the frantic beeping of the heart-rate monitor next to them, her vitals off the charts. Gone was the confident young woman she had watched grow and mature, the mother of three Castle grandchildren, replaced by a heartbroken little girl who had just found out that her daddy, the cornerstone of her existence was gone, never to return. No more animal pancakes, or late-night laser tag, never again an over-the-top Halloween party, or comforting hug and gentle "It's okay, Pumpkin".

Her mind detached, Kate felt the weight of her life hit her squarely, filling her. Sadness, wrenching sorrow for the loss of her other half. She had had nineteen years of happiness, and then her world had been shattered. Until he came.

Face twisting with the strength of her grief, Kate drew a shuddering breath as tears mapped their way down the contours of her face, soaking into Alexis' shirt. The frantic beeping that echoed around the room stuttered for a second, and then stopped, replaced by the long, drawn-out whine of a flatline.

Alexis pulled back from Kate's arms, her head darting from the woman in the bed to the machines and back again. She saw the lines of pain and loss from a moment before had faded, the faintest hint of a smile on Kate's lips.

As everything went grey around the edges, the blackness swallowing her whole again, Kate held the memory of the first kiss she shared with Rick firmly in her mind: adrenaline, fear, love and lust all mixed together in a torrent of emotion, outside a dingy warehouse.

_Still the best stupid idea ever, _Kate thought. Thirty years, they had been married. More than half her life she'd known him, loved him and been loved in return. _It was worth it, _She thought, weighing her life up. _He was worth it, and so much more..._

* * *

><p>Kate staggered, her knees giving way. Her hands hit the silvery sand as she fell to her knees, torso pitching forward. Breath rasping in the back of her throat, heart hammering, she felt the tears still streaming down her face as the loss washed through her.<p>

Gradually, her senses returned and she realised that she wasn't in pain, the aches and pains she had dealt with over the last thirty years falling away. Steadying herself, she rocked back on her heels and ran her hands through her hair, scrubbing them down her face. Standing slowly, she placed her hands on her knees, still not quite trusting her legs.

Finally forcing herself upright, Beckett rolled her shoulders as she looked around, running her eyes over the shards of glass still clinging to the mirror frames. Walking forward slowly, she reached out, trailing her fingers over the carved wood, her mind still reeling from the memories she had felt, the two distinct lives she had lived through. One hand resting on each frame, she felt them begin to vibrate, a soft, gentle humming that built steadily until she could feel her teeth rattling.

Reaching the point of pain, the noise ceased suddenly, the absence of it ringing in Beckett's ears for an instant, before she felt the voice that greeted her when she first woke up on the plain, the words searing through her with the force of a tsunami.

"Choose, Katherine Beckett... Nothing in the future is fixed, but choose you must."

The words echoed through her, fading slowly, the throbbing in her head easing as they did. Before they faded completely, she felt the wood beneath her hands warm. Flashing to scalding hot, the wood exploded into splinters. Flames licked out, wrapping her in their warmth, not burning, but holding her close, comforting her even as her vision faded out. Spiralling into the blackness again, she wondered where she would wake up this time.

* * *

><p>Trapped inside the blackness, Kate... drifted. Not aware of her body at all, she floated in the warm darkness. Gradually, she became aware of sounds intruding on her peace. Voices, she realised. Struggling against the temptation to just let go, she fought to put names to them.<p>

"Any change?" Inside, Kate smiled, knowing her father's voice anywhere. She paused, a frown creasing her non-existent forehead.

_I remember... the plain. _She thought. _And then... nothing. Am I dead? Was the second dream real? _Thoughts whirling, she realised that if so, her father was years dead. A heart attack took him one night, ten years after her and Rick were married.

"No, still nothing." Her concerns increased as she placed the second voice: Rick. It did nothing to disprove her earlier theory. Nervously, she held a breath that she couldn't feel, waiting, hoping for more. She heard Rick sigh, certain she could almost hear the sounds of him running his fingers through his hair in frustration. Amusement washed through her briefly as she remembered his nervous habit, stretching across all their life together.

Silence flowed through the darkness, lulling her towards rest. The grating sound of a plastic chair on the hard floor snapped her out of her lethargy. The interruption was followed by Rick speaking again.

"Esposito stopped by at lunch time, said they caught the sniper." She heard her father let out a long breath, sighing as his tension dropped a few notches.

_Curious_, Kate thought frantically._ I remember Esposito from the car accident..._ _He was alive, he was __**there**__ with Alexis._ She paused. _Maybe I'm not dead after all! _Relief washed through her for a moment, before she started running her experiences backwards through her mind, trying to place where in the timeline she actually was.

"How?" Her father asked. Rick let out a short chuckle.

"Alexis, if you can believe that..." He paused, still amazed at his daughter's assistance. "She pieced the artwork together, and we bounced theory at the precinct to find the meaning behind them. Eventually, we clicked that he must have been injured at some point, which explained why he shot from where he did. We caught up with him before he could drop anybody else. Ryan went in, and Esposito had to shoot the guy to save his partner."

His words were quiet, filling the details as briefly as possible, knowing Jim needed to hear it, but keeping the information as short as possible. Shock slammed into Kate as her partner let her know exactly where she was, and when: hospital (no shock there), but the timing hit her like a punch to the gut.

Everything she'd experienced hadn't happened... yet. With that realisation, she felt her original memories start to return, piece by piece: her collapse in the street when the police siren startled her, her freak-out at the precinct, and her melt-down in her apartment. She dimly recalled a nearly empty bottle of alcohol, and grabbing her gun. Thinking hard, she tried to force the memories into place.

Eventually, she remembered a phone call to... Rick, and then nothing. No matter how hard she pressed, that was the last thing she remembered before waking up in front of the mirrors. Her thinking was cut short as she heard the men talking again.

"You should get some rest, Rick." Jim said, his voice tinged with concern. "You've been here three days straight."

"I'll be fine..." Castle responded wearily.

"I can watch her while you get a few hours sleep and a hot shower, you know." He chuckled. "Did me the world of good, let me tell you." He paused, silence filling the air once more. "I promise, I'll call if there's any change, Rick. go..."

Castle sighed, and Kate heard him stand up slowly. The sounds of him moving got louder as he approached her bed, and she felt a flash of shock jolt through her as her hand warmed, moving as he gripped it. Heat blossomed on her forehead as he pressed his lips softly to her skin.

"I'll be back soon, Kate" He whispered. He froze, his lips still only a fraction of an inch from her skin, listening as her heart rate machine stuttered. Pulling back slightly, he turned, his eyes confirming what his ears had heard: there had been a distinct change in the rhythm. Gradually returning to it's previous pace, it kept on, regular and strong. "Kate? Can you hear me?" He asked, leaning closer, his free hand coming up to brush her hair back.

"Rick? Is she-" Jim asked, standing up. The feeling of Castle's fingers stroking her hair so tenderly left a tingling trail on Kate's skin, anchoring her as she swam through the blackness towards him.

Rick glanced at their joined hands, her fingers twitching slightly. Looking at Jim, he let out a relieved smile.

"She squeezed my hand..." His attention turned back to his partner, the machines letting him know that her heart was speeding up again. "Come on, Kate, wake up... We're here for you..." He saw her eyelids flutter, then ease open slowly. Blinking at the sudden brightness, she turned her eyes towards Castle. Her heartbeat slowed suddenly as she sighed, holding his gaze, the corners of her mouth creasing in the ghost of a smile.

"Hey..." She croaked, voice rusty with disuse. Castle grinned at her, never breaking eye contact as he leaned over and hit the nurse call button.

"Welcome back." He murmured, unable to stop himself from lifting their hands and brushing his lips across the back of her knuckles. "You had us all worried there..."

Kate let her smile fill out, her face lighting up as she drank in the sight of him, happy and whole once more. His expression matching hers, he saw her emotions swirling behind her eyes: pain, sorrow, loss, followed by acceptance, then happiness and lastly... love? He blinked, trying to clear his thoughts as he wondered if it was just wishful thinking on his part.

"Couldn't leave you..." She whispered, the ghost of her loss drifting across her features for an instant. Tugging on his hand, she wordlessly urged him closer, swallowing as she kept her eyes locked on his. "Rick...?" She asked softly.

"What is it? Can I-" He began to ask, before she cut him off.

"I'm ready..."

* * *

><p>AN: and there we have it, folks! :-D feedback is welcomed, or if you want to just chat or nag me or something, you can catch me as nevyn_r on Twitter.


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